My Blog

for those of my friends who would want to know what happened, im gonna narrate it here na lng..
prang ndi ko na kasi kayang magkwento dahil everytime i do, i just keep on reliving the pain.

it was really one of our romantic days.. like our second date, we walked around UP and then when we reached sunken garden we just sat at one of the trees near educ. He said i was beautiful every now and then.. i know i did.. i prepared for our date..It was a breezy and cold afternoon.. all the more it became romantic. we just looked at the kids playing soccer.. laughed some.. kept silent.. even talked about wedding proposals.. and stuff… as i would always do.. i told myself that i really want him to be my husband.. i thought that i knew that what we had was it. that it would last…. he said he’ll bring me home.. it was rare that he said that.. i was really happy.. he even asked me how i was feeling.. i said i was happy. when i asked why, he refused to answer me. Again, he looked at me with those eyes i loved and said i was really beautiful..he even wanted to take a picture of me but then it was awkward coz we were in the jeep. It was funny because on the way home, in the jeep, when we were supposed to go down already, sabi ng konduktor, "oh pababain na ung ikakasal bukas".. i was laughing at the same time i was kilig.. i said that we should just walk to our street.. when we were near my house.. i thanked him… like i always do when he makes me really happy.. at first, he did not want to go to my house to say hi to my dad who happened to be there.. but then i said he was ruining it if he wont.. so he did.. my dad left soon.. i hugged him.. just a quick one coz we dont want PDA.. i tried to steal kisses.. he jerked his face away… i thought that maybe he jst didnt want my sister to see us..he was texting his sister.. and that time he was feeling uneasy.. i thought there was just some family problem or something. then he said.. di mo bko ihahatid? i was really feeling weird about it because inihatid nya nga ako then he wants me to come with him again..he was silent and uneasy.. i asked him how i cant make him happy. i hate it when i see him sad.. we stopped walking on when we reached the next street.. and then he said it.. "im breaking up with you.." i laughed at first.. how come? i was happy.. super happy.. we were happy…………………………………. he said he’s a player…. yeah i know we would joke about it.. no.. for real.. this time.. he said i dont deserve him and i was perfect.. i said that reason wont suffice.. he said he has a girlfriend.. and that he loves her… and he’s happy with her… and then i asked if he loves me.. he said no…………………………… i covered my face and cried at hard as i could.. i could not take the pain… it was too much to bear… he walked away. i said wait… i realized that if that’s gonna be the last time he’d see me.. i want him to remember my smile.. i tried so hard to smile.. wiped away my tears.. held his hands and said.. masaya ka db.. he said yes.. then go… at that point he cried already.. he said it wasnt easy for him as well because…….. He DID love me… DID.. and that’s the part where i walked away..

here’s the part about how i feel..

ive tried to hard to be the best gf for him.. i have sacrified even my own happiness for him.. i adjusted for him… i said.. ok.. im gonna wait till he’s ready to be a real bf to me.. yea.. there was no effort.. but i didnt care coz everytime id see his eyes.. i thought that it was well worth it.. his eyes showed me how much he loved me… he even said once that we’d get married after 5 years.. my future have been built around him….. he was my life… even my wednesday’s is for him.. i call it my 5 units of bf… i love him…. i really do.. i love him like i have never loved before….. ang sakit… it’s so hard to accept that when he cried when we broke up.. its not because he loves me but it was because of the guilt and awa… i need his love……….. i need him…

now im still fighting this.. im scared to be alone…. ive never been alone in a long time… i love him.. i want to shout with every voice i have and say how much i love him.. i love him… i love him like im not gonna learn to love anyone else again….

but then he does not love me anymore… what now?